EXPOSED: How A  Popular “Social Mantra” Is Damaging Your Healthy Relationships

…And how life changes when you learn how to receive

“You cannot solve a problem from the same consciousness that created it. You must learn to see the world anew” 
~ Albert Einstein

 From:  Devian Day and Crystal Aryana
Location:  Right Behind Saul’s Creek

Lately, there’s been a lot of discussion between us about the future of Dirty Dialogue…

Part of that has been figuring out exactly what this whole “dirty talk” thing is really all about. But more than that, we are looking beneath the surface of dirty talk to ultimately find out what makes it work so well for some woman – and why it’s such a terrifying experience for others.

Most women come into Dirty Dialogue thinking they have to say the right thing, or respond the right way, or their man won’t be attracted to them and even perhaps leave them one day.  This can be a very disturbing and uncomfortable place for any woman, thinking that in order to have a long-term and “satisfied” relationship, she must be a good little “man pleaser” in order to keep him.

Obviously you can see this is very surface level thinking.  This is what happens when you are afraid of losing something you want or care about, in this case your healthy relationship, and that’s normal to have feelings of fear and look for a quick fix.

But that’s not really going to “solve the problem”, so to speak…

And because of this, we have spend a lot of time examining the root of why things like dirty talk can be embarrassing and discouraging for so many women.  So we decided to dive deeper into the fundamentals that make sexual relationships work by examining the dynamics underneath.

And what we found was that a lot of it comes down to belief systems.  Belief systems are an ever-changing thing that has literally grown up with you your entire life, from the first time someone told you “no that’s bad” or “yes that’s good”. However, what we believe ultimately shapes our reality, and since our reality includes other people, our beliefs include how we teach other people to treat us.

But in truth, 99% or so of our beliefs are NOT our own!  In fact, we learned ALL our beliefs from someone else.  We are talking about traditions, mindsets and attitudes passed down to us by our parents, who then got it from their parents, who got them from their parents, etc.  These beliefs were passed down and no one seems to question them.  Without knowing any better, we just accept them as truth.

We’re talking about our friends, our lovers, our enemies, and they all give us certain beliefs about our lives, the people in it, and mostly, they give us beliefs about ourselves. We store these beliefs in the back of our unconscious minds, and ultimately accept them as truth without even realizing it.

These beliefs often come in the form of an old cliché that keeps repeating but no one really knows the origin or root cause.  We just believe them without thinking.  And some of these beliefs are so cleverly devised, they remain hidden in plain sight.

We call this a “social mantra”.

And there’s one social mantra that revolves around a healthy human relationship value.  Of course, we mean…

THE VALUE OF GIVING

Before we get into exactly what this social mantra is, and what it has to do with giving, lets start with a little game…

I want you to imagine the one person in your life that you notice just doesn’t seem to fully accept the things that you or anyone else may give them.

This person may seem to you to do things like:

• Shrug off gifts or gestures – even if they usually would LIKE such a gift or gesture …
• Not accept help … or maybe they accept it – but only with grief and frustration attached – thinking they should be able to “handle it” themselves
• Take you for granted without realizing it, or at least leaving you feeling “taken for granted” due to lack of showing appreciation …
• Refuse to take a compliment from ANYONE, even little ones … acting like they are above being praised for their giving, since it’s all they know …
• Accept your gifts half-heartedly, or worse … Thank you half heartedly, without really seeming like they mean it
• Turn around and immediate give something back to YOU, as if they were trying to “out give” you (because secretly they can’t stand to receive without giving something first…)

All in all, you may feel like this person doesn’t seem to fully appreciate you or recognize what you do for them.  You may not feel like it’s their fault (especially if that person is you) because they are usually 100% blind to it.

Ok  … got that person in your head?  Great.

Now I want you to imagine giving that person the most elaborate gift possible. Something you have spent a lot of time or money on.  Or maybe something given straight from the heart – something you’ve put lots of your energy into.

Then, imagine you handing them your gift and having them say to you, “Oh you shouldn’t have gotten me that.  I can’t accept this”.  Or worse, gingerly accepting it and shrugging off what it took to prepare that moment with them.

How does that make you feel?  Let me guess … REJECTED?  Unappreciated?  Taken for Granted? How about all 3 of the above?

Either way, when you are giving to someone who is blocked from receiving …

It Hurts Everyone Involved!

If you try giving and giving to this person, hoping that one-day they will have more appreciation for you – and they DON’T – after a while, you start to resent the hell out of them, and your relationship starts to fall in the “danger zone”.

You see, whenever someone doesn’t openly receive what you give them, there can be a sense of not feeling “seen”, acknowledged or even loved.  And sometimes, it may seem like the more you give, the less they actually seem to appreciate you, and leave you feeling even worse about it!

Again, this goes for any act of giving, whether it be of a physical gift, giving your time, your word, your advice, your dirty talk – any type of giving.

Lets use Sally and John as an example…

So what happened here?

This kind of unhealthy relationship exchange or “conditional giving and receiving” creates a sense of “false self” between the both of them and can only eventually lead to a place of competition and fear – not love, friendship and union.

In other words, she was acting out of FEAR of “not giving enough” instead of the LOVE in allowing him to receive.

(Side Note:  This is just one small example, of a million possibilities, how not receiving in ANY relationship can negatively impact how both may feel about the other – especially over a longer period of time.  More on that in future videos…)

Like millions of westerners world wide, Sally and John, without question, grew up believing a silly little social myth about giving and receiving that has been engrained in our culture for a very long time.

And I’m willing to bet…

They Said The Mantra All Their Life

Before we get into what this Mantra is, lets recap on exactly what a “Mantra” is in the first place.

Dictionary.com states:

In short, a mantra is something repeated over and over again until it becomes true to you.  Mantras are used in meditations, in affirmations, and all sort of self improvement psychology – yet, sometimes we use mantras without even realizing it, because EVERYONE says them, and they sneak in under the radar of our belief system (like a backdoor virus) and create a belief in our heads that is not our own.

This particularly destructive social mantra is non other than “It’s Better To Give Than To Receive”

How many times have you heard that one?  We hear it all the time, especially around birthdays and holidays.  Parents and teachers tell children this all the time.  And because we are so used to hearing it all the time, it’s something that we rarely question – instead we just accept as truth.  A social doctrine, if you will.

(Side Note:  This belief most likely comes from an often-misinterpreted verse in the bible, which reads “It is more blessed to give than to receive”.  In this case, “more blessed” is a value judgment based on obedience, not choice.

This doesn’t necessarily mean better … it just means that’s what the church wants you to do.  We’re not here to get religious, so if being “more blessed” is  “better” in your mind then great – that’s totally up to you.)

However, when you accept this as truth, you focus all your energy on giving, and start to see giving as a “give and take” rather than a gift from your heart.  You start growing expectations for your friends, partners, or lover to “give back” and it becomes a game of “I did this so you owe me”.  And, the only receiving you do is based on debt, rather than love.

In many cases, this is completely unconscious, and becomes more and more compulsive in your behavior.  We call this particular mindset “giving addiction”.

The Common Symptoms Of  “Giving Addiction”

If you think you may be suffering from giving addiction, you may find yourself having…

• A hard time with new information and things changing (closed off to receiving input that’s not your own – i.e.) “stubborn” “hard headed” or closed off to “change.”)
• Problems receiving love … “when people give to you generously, you try to give some back and therefore feeling undeserved and literally shutting yourself off from love (abundance).”  Love then becomes structured and defined in love’s “conditional roles” or requirements specifically to you, rather than loving yourself unconditionally, no matter what happens or just “IS.”
• A hardened outlook on life and your ideals – what you think is “right.”
• An impossible time accepting your self, especially over what “happened in the past.”
• Judgmental attitudes towards other people, or life situations.
• Difficult time with long lasting relationships of all kinds.

Ultimately, people that can’t receive become martyrs, negative nannies, always focusing on how life is hard, and constantly focusing on what they “DON’T” have.  They get used to seeing the world through fear or lack verses the love or gratitude in all that already “IS.”

If you’re addicted to giving, it’s probably not a new pattern in your life, and is something you’ve been doing for a long time, and your parents even longer. But it doesn’t have to be that way.

Not to mention, if you believe that “it’s better to give than to receive”, and you still spend most of your time giving and not receiving, you’re actually robbing others of the opportunity to give to YOU!

So in truth, by giving all the time, because you believe it’s “better to give than to receive”, you are actually being…

Totally SELFISH!

Counter intuitive right?  Well it’s true. And it goes to show that GIVING and RECEIVING can NOT be better than the other, if you want healthy relationships you need to be completely balanced with giving and reviving inside yourself first.

Here’s why:  Giving and receiving are, by universal law two sides of the same coin.  Here is the ancient symbol of Yin/Yang, which observes the nature of energy between things like giving and receiving, masculine and feminine, light and dark, etc.

 

 

By the universal law of balance, there is always an equal exchange.  This even brings up scientific concepts like Newtons 3^rd law – in which every action has an equal and opposite reaction.  And rumor has it, Newton was a smart guy

In this instance of Yin/Yang opposites (giving and receiving), giving would be considered the masculine “yang” energy (the push) while receiving would be considered the feminine “yin” energy (the pull).

However, in today’s super-masculine world, most women are raised, believing this mantra (and other social lies we’ll get to later) and end up giving TOO MUCH all the time, never finding true satisfaction in it, and wind up completely forgetting how to receive.

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find
all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”  
~ Rumi

Note:  This really boils down to you not finding a way to receive or “accept” YOURSELF without conditions first.  And this is the deeper underlying issue we will talk much more about in later videos.

Soon you will see that when you receive yourself you feel worthy, more confidant, and feel authentic in pretty much anything you do or say.

So bottom line is this: If you want better romance, intimacy and desire from your man it means LOVING yourself and ACCEPTING yourself first- which ALL involves Receiving.  It is the cure for giving addiction, and we’ll cover it in detail in video 2.

But before we go, here’s a…

Really Personal Question

Are you a giving addict?  Is your partner?  Are you feeling unappreciated for giving too much?  Maybe even to the point of feeling unworthy like Sally from our story?  Is dirty talk involved? Let us know by leaving a comment below.  You can do so anonymously if you feel better about it, whatever is best for you.

Tags: dating advice for women, dirty talk, healthy relationships, how to make him want you, romance