"Do You Make These 10 Common Dirty Talk
Mistakes That Turn Men Off?"
Devian Day
Special Report for DirtyDialogue.com
Dear Friend,
When dirty talk is good, it can be the most thrilling secret bonding experience you can share with your man… but when you don’t have the magic down, it can lead to an awkward moment that snowballs into serious stage-fright and his subtle disappointment.
In order to guarantee fast-acting dirty talk success almost every time, and really open up the sexual communication potential between you and your partner (for good), you need to make sure you’re coming from the right frame of mind.
With that being said, here are the top 10 mistakes that most people make that murder their chances at spicy hot dirty talk romance before they ever begin:
1: Hidden Shame
Most people are ashamed of their dirty thoughts in general, so sharing them with another human being through dirty talk isn’t always the most comfortable thing in the world. Being able to accept yourself and all of your “dirty” thoughts – no matter how “taboo” or kinky the fetish – BEFORE you talk about them is step #1. Remember, it will ALWAYS be “ok” with your partner if it is first (and truly) OK with you!
2: Secret Guilt
Since we’re all raised in a society where sex is somehow “bad” and we shouldn’t do it, there’s a great deal of sexual guilt built into our minds through our upbringing. Guilt gives you a sense of doing something “wrong”, which ONLY applies if you buy in to the mixed morals of social propaganda telling you to feel this way. Choose your OWN morals that make sense to YOU, and never let anyone’s unwarranted expectations dictate what you can, and cannot do!
3: Feeling Embarrassment
If you’re not ready to admit that you like something (or want something) out of feeling you may risk disapproval from your partner, then it causes unnecessary tension in your body. Be open and loving with your body consciously, and you will find that all feelings of “self consciousness” melt away on it’s own. Approve of yourself first, and only then can you honestly approve of anyone else Encourage yourself and your partner to explore, share and indulge in your sexual potential together.
4: Trying Too Hard
Nothing is more of a turn off than seeing someone try to hard to please you. Most people who try hard are seeking the validation of their partners, and their eagerness to do it “right” may come from a frame of desperation. These people make it clear that their own needs mean nothing to them, which is inherently a counter-intuitive turn off. The secret to sexual success is doing it because YOU love to do it, and expressing that love THROUGH doing it. When a person is in a state of pure selfish sexual bliss (and getting off on the ACT its self) it is the most compelling, arousing, and gratifying thing for their partner to ever experience. Especially when it’s all coming from YOU!
5: Performance Anxiety
When people get pushed outside their comfort zone too fast, it triggers a fight or flight response and a major adrenaline rush. This rush will manifest in one of two ways: excitement or anxiety. The only thing that dictates which direction the bolt of sexual tension will go, is what you believe to be “ok” by your own moral standards, rather than the preconceived notions of what “should” be acceptable to others. Remember, all performance anxiety is really just excitement that’s misunderstood!
6: Undeserved Judgment
If the thought of revealing your deepest, darkest fantasies to someone sounds terrifying, it’s time to expand your mind and comfort zone, one step at a time. Do your homework and research your closet fetishes and see how normal it is for other people. Sex is a natural release for everone, and for some people, the things that “get them off” fall far outside the norm. Become open minded to new sexual possibilities outside of social norms and you will instantly get more comfortable talking dirty about yourself.
7: Overcompensation
Everyone’s comfort zone is different, and some people live in a reality far more sexual than others. The easiest way to screw dirty talk up is by not taking into account what your partner may be ready to hear, and going beyond their edge, which can instantly put a screeching halt to an otherwise super hot love making session. Never demand or assume, rather, open a dialogue of communication to see where each other are at in terms of what is comfortable, consensual, and acceptable.
8: Awkward Laughter
When some people get nervous, they laugh to relieve tension. When others hear laughter, they get offended. When talking dirty, some people get a sense of “feeling stupid” about what is coming out of their mouth, and naturally, they laugh at themselves. Unfortunatly, their partner may interpret this at the laughter being aimed at THEM – causing unnecessary miscommunication of subconscious expressions in action. If you are prone to laughter, make dirty talk FUN form the get-go, and frame it as a playful game you indulge in secretly with your partner to keep the flame alive.
9: Freezing Up
The worst mistake you could possibly make when talking dirty is to freeze up like a deer in headlights. This is a more extreme case of anxiety that, on a less severe level, causes laughter as mentioned above. But in this case, the “sex negative” vibes manifest into a good ol’ fashioned case of “food in mouth” disease. When you get stage fright like this, it can be embarrassing. The trick is to fix your mental programming about sex BEFORE you talk dirty, so that you no longer look for the “right thing to say” – but rather, it’s the right thing to say because you say it.
10: Not getting help
Top performers in any aspect of life realize that MASTERY is a journey not a destination. Top athletes don’t all-of-a-sudden stop practicing. Millionaire business men don’t suddenly neglect their businesses and expect it to keep shuttling cash into their pockets. And guess what… sex is no different.
To be an amazing lover you can’t ever be blinded by sexual arrogance. Never think that you know EVERYTHING. You may know A LOT but there are ALWAYS new tricks or tips to get you to the next level.
If you found yourself guilty of making any of these mistakes, just realize that…
It’s Not Your Fault!
Just imagine your life WITHOUT any of these sexual hang ups, where you can freely talk dirty like it’s nobodies business! In fact, you could even crank it up to the “next” level rather fast.
Here’s the deal: IF you really want to prevent ALL of these mistakes from ever happening again (unless it’s a fetish of yours ;-P) then there is a simple, yet ultra-effective “fast track” you can jump on today…
…that will launch your dirty talk skills to the next level of pleasing men that most women will NEVER know even exists!
And you can do this all in the next 5 minutes – without risking a single cent – and start using this cutting edge dirty talk training material as early as TONIGHT!
Want to get on the fast track to a new sex life?
“Yes! Show me the next step…”
Remember to leave your comment below!
Stay Dirty,
Leave A Reply (26 comments So Far)
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Barbarina
Devin,
Thanks alot for all your advice in talking dirty. I am a newbie for sure to this and I am determined to know as much as possible before trying this out on my new guy that I just met. You see we met via a dating site and starting chatting on Oct. 14, 2011, and a few weeks later, we met in person for the first time and have been talking every night. Well we had phone sex twice recently and to tell you the truth I was terrified but got thru it. Let me just say that he never pushed me into doing anything that I didn’t want to do and I never thought that I could get that hot and excited over the phone but let me tell you, it was like the room was moving and the man was 5 hrs away from me. I keep apologizing because it was soooo good and I completely lost my mind in ecstasy and excitement…. it was pure lust for each other. Boy…I can’t wait until we actually do the “do” which will be even more excited but the problem I’m having is as time approaches for us to get together again, my nerve is doing flip flops… I’m actually scared that 1) it will be so good that I would want to be him all the time, or 2) it will be so bad because of me not performing and I’m saying that because I’m not totally comfortable with my body which he loves but I see fault in areas not proud of but I’m working on it. Lately I have been taking control of my life from over the years of letting myself go and focusing on my children and healing from a divorce and dealing with life in general. But thru prayer and my strength in the Lord, I’ve come full circle and know what I want and know who deserves me. Thanks you so much and keep doing what you’re doing.Regards, Barbarina – the new and improved woman.
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Frederica
Hey Dee,
Hope you don’t mine me calling you Dee. In my head…I’m talking a little dirty while my hubby is making love to me. But my situation is that hubby controls all aspects of our love making. If I manage to start something on my own, he freezes up and I can’t tell if he likes what I’m doing or what. Four years ago our love making was great…its still great but routine. When ever I suggest we do something different he says we are to old or disabled to try. I’m 56 and hubby is 58. He has hip replacements and I have aching knees…but still…you know. I figure dirty talk will bring a new spark…but now I don’t know….Please advise. Thanks Frederica
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kawthar
very nice and usefull , i realy like it . thanks
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Dar
looking forward to learning dirty talk…………..Was always told it was not right. Used one phrase and drove him crazy!
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Anonymous
looking forward to learning dirty talk…………..Was always told it was not right. Used one phrase and drove him crazy!
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edith dupuis
Hello, Iook forward to learnin dirty talk,, I know its a must in a relationship,,thanks,,
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linda
omg u are einstain 2 i love ur brain i hope u will send me much more dirty frazes………….p.s im in love with u:P mwahhh
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Rebekah
okay, so im like the deer in the headlights. i just freeze up and am silent until he goads me into saying something. i know it isn’t the most arousing to thing to hear on the other end but i can’t seem to make my mouth open. How do i get my mouth to move and just forget that im embarassed? Is there a trick i could do so i wouldn’t be so self conscious?
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Hey Rebeckah,
I’m going to be blunt – the only way to truly solve this problem is to tackle it head on and handle it at it’s core. The symptoms you are experiencing here are due to a much more deeply rooted sexual insecurity that you might not even be aware of consciously. I used to have the same thing, and I’m a dude! Guy’s arn’t supposed to have that, right? WTF? … or so you’d think…
In all honesty, this is the main reason I wrote Dirty Dialogue: A Good Girl’s Guide To Being Bad. Have you read it? I wrote it with the purpose to empower women to get beyond this specific issue. Once you realize you’ve been duped, and that what you were raised to believe about your sexuality is self-defeating bullshit … a LOT of the painful anxiety washes itself away, and continues to do so the more you apply the principles I teach.
For now, here’s a few tips:
TIP #1: PRACTICE!
Do it alone, in front of a mirror. Just you and you. No one else. My friend Presley (who calls herself the “Macgyver of Masturbation” lol) talks about this a lot. She says, and I quote…
“If you can’t get off to your SELF, then how could you possibly expect anyone to get off to YOU?”
Wise words, there. She’s talking about total self acceptance. Practice makes perfect.
TIP #2: PRESENCE
Also practice being present in the moment. While the mind think on it’s own in the past, and the future… only your conscious SELF can experience the moment of “now”. There’s no thinking of the moment, there’s just watching, listening, and observing.
Practicing consciousness of self can help you turn off the “monkey mind” (i.e. the little voice in your held shouting at you.) (And if you’re curious about who that little voice is, it’s the one who just said “what little voice? I don’t have a little voice in my head!”) and allow you to engage in the moment without inhibitions.
TIP #3: (TBA)
I’m gonna stop right there for now. There’s tons of “tricks” that kinda work together as a whole. That’s waaaay to much to write here. In fact, I wrote a whole book on it. And based on what i read, I can honestly say, that this book was written for girls just like you.
(Hint: Stay tuned to your email this week for a secret little announcement about that ;-P)
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vangie
for me its essential to make my man go wild and crazy, so i could say that talking dirty is a must if you really love your man it should be no “hidden agenda!”…being open about anything especially sex could make the relationship more stronger in my opinion.
I am always eager to learn something new to get the best sex ever and to make my man feel satisfied and happy! Men who are sexually contented never leave. Being the sex goddess in the eyes of your man could put your confidence into much higher level.-
“talking dirty is a must if you really love your man it should be no “hidden agenda!”…being open about anything especially sex could make the relationship more stronger”
BINGO! You hit nailed it, Vangie. Notice the difference here – “dirty talk” may imply a hidden agenda, while “Dirty Dialogue” is OPEN SEXUAL DISCUSSION!
The keyword is “Dialogue”. Wikipedia partially defines dialogue as “written or spoken conversational exchange between two or more people.” Notice the word conversational?
That’s because its not just “talking”. Its about being open, exploring, and experiencing yourself (and your partner) to deepen your bond through intensely shared intimacy.
Win:Win ;-P
D.
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Jean
I really enjoyed reading this. I like to think I am pretty forward thinking about sex and my own personal kinks. Heck, my friends are convinced that my middle name is “Naughty.” Some of these things I already “practice”. Other things, I will keep in mind and work on. In the past, it has always been about my partner, but one time it was just for me, and it was amazing. And he was amazed as well. So, I will be working on that in the future. Please, keep doing what you are doing. There are so many woman out there who need the skills to be more open. And there are women like me, who just want to hone the skills
For example, I like phone sex…. but sometimes get stuck on what to say. This helps! So, thank you.-
Howdy Jean
Thanks for contributin’. And thank you for your kind words – I’m doing the best I can.
Sounds like you’re pretty far advanced in the game already! I’d be totally down to investigate more advanced techniques and tactics with you. Shoot me an email! devian(at)dirtydialogue.com and lets see what we can come up with.
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Allie
First let me say I’m so glad you’re back Devian!! In reading above #1,2 and 3 have been real obstacles for me to enjoy dirty dialogue and amazing sex both of which I really desire. I am now divorced after a long marriage and feel “guilty” for sex outside of marriage which affects my focus and never talked dirty w/the ex so doing so makes me feel uncomfortable. On another note during my marriage the sex had no variety and was never pleasing to me (I have never admitted that to anyone before)! I don’t place blame cause we were both young but now that I’m in my 40′s I want phenomenal sex and may be “trying to hard” for it. Could really use the suggestions/expertise of all my friends out there! Thanks in advance!
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Jean
Allie, I hear you. I was married for 11 years and I could set a clock to when and how it would go. It is frustrating. I’d concentrate on getting over the guilt. Then you can start to work on the dirty talk. It’s fun once you get past any hang ups!!! Good luck! J
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Hey Allie, thanks for the comment
It sounds to me like you’re still holding on to the past, and comparing your current sexual relationships against the standards of your old ones. No one can put guilt on you, but you. The level of guilt you give yourself subconsciously is all due to trying to identify with somebody Else’s rules. And, it seems like you tried out those “rules” and wasn’t satisfied, so why continue? Doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results, is the definition of insanity. That includes rules you live by in your own head, and the way you think things “should” be!
Eliminate the word “should” from your vocabulary forever. That will defiantly give you a great frame to work with. Before you can truly express yourself to your partner, you must first be 100% non judgmental of your SELF … which means to FORGIVE YOURSELF of past errors (you didn’t know better!) and only vow to not make the same mistakes twice. Forgiveness starts from within yourself. Start there
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That Girl
I can relate to several of these these. I feel like I’m a late bloomer in this area and appriate the words of wisdom!
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You are welcome! Any specific words you are looking for?
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Marauder
I suppose I have been fortunate in the sex talk “arena,” whether chatting online or over the phone. I do not have a specific formula; as a man it usually begins with general, casual and friendly conversation. If I have a picture of the woman, I may make a respectful but sexual complement. If a “thank you” follows, I then say something to the effect of how powerful she would be if we were to get together, and that “I” would have to be careful. If that comment gets a laugh, it’s pretty much on. Guys each woman is different, although I can say in a general sense women 40+ are uninhibited about their bodies and what they will do with them — with you. Experience being the best teacher, I would say always, always be respectful of your potential mate. You may be rewarded handsomely at the end.
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Thanks for chiming in! You’re right – there’s defiantly a escalating pattern when it comes to taking your partner out of their daily auto-pilot lives and into a one on one sexual connection, through test or by phone. It typically boils down to the steps of opening, hooking, and teasing before it gets into the heavy stuff. I’ve been toying with models for this for the past 2 years. Drop me an email devian(at)dirtydialogue.com and lets talk!
Oh, and as for the observation about women 40+. You are most certainly correct. I would really say starting around the age of 35 is when women shed their physical inhibitions, which is “coincidentally” the same year as their sexual peak.
A LOT of my loyal readers are women of that age group, mostly divorced and back in the game (usually looking for younger men
) or wives who’s marriages are strained with distance and phone sex is the only option. Historically, this includes the wives of CEOs who travel, military service (phone sex over seas), and women engaging in some form of “long distance” relationship, whether the distance is temporary or permenant doesn’t matter.And, you hit it on the head: Respect is important, which leads to setting and managing proper expectations with each other …. in which each partner has a CLEAR understanding of what is mutully agreed upon to mean disrespect. For example, some girls don’t like to be called degrading names, others get off on it. No one will truly know until they look at it objectively and there is OPEN COMMUNICATION to set realistic boundaries, and at least TRY to see what they like, rather than nix an idea out based on old self-restrained ways of thinking.
The next step from there is … offering APPRECIATION, which is where the good stuff comes from
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Guest
I suppose I have been fortunate in the sex talk “arena,” whether chatting online or over the phone. I do not have a specific formula; as a man it usually begins with general, casual and friendly conversation. If I have a picture of the woman, I may make a respectful but sexual complement. If a “thank you” follows, I then say something to the effect of how powerful she would be if we were to get together, and that “I” would have to be careful.If that comment gets a laugh, it’s pretty much on. Each woman is different, although I can say in a general sense women 40+ are uninhibited about their bodies and what they will do with them — with you. Experience being the best teacher, I would say always, always be respectful of you potential mate. You may be rewarded hamsomely at the
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Guest
I suppose I have been fortunate in the sex talk “arena,” whether chatting online or over the phone. I do not have a specific formula; as a man it usually begins with general, casual and friendly conversation. If I have a picture of the woman, I may make a respectful but sexual complement. If a “thank you” follows, I then say something to the effect of how powerful she would be if we were to get together, and that “I” would have to be careful.If that comment gets a laugh, it’s pretty much on. Each woman is different, although I can say in a general sense women 40+ are uninhibited about their bodies and what they will do with them — with you. Experience being the best teacher, I would say always, always be respectful of you potential mate. You may be rewarded hamsomely at the end.
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Mary
Great Advice! #1 and #2 are two of my biggest obstacles! I can’t wait to read more from you
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BOO
# 8 Awkward Laughter really hit home for us! I love to laugh in the midst of my sexual encounter, but it seems to really turn my man off! He’s getting used to it, but would prefer I save it for later…
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Hey Boo,
This is a simple matter of improper expectations. What is your reason for laughter? If you laugh when you get excited, or laugh to shed nerves, then simply tell him.
“You know how I laugh sometimes during sex? Well it just occurred to me that you might think i’m laughing at you, so i wanted to tell you that the real reason i laugh is ______”
BE CLEAR with what he can expect from you. If you clarify with him, the next time you laugh, he won’t be offended!
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I am loving this advice. I am a 40+ woman that was totally inexperienced in every arena (flirting, dating, and definately SEX). I joined an on-line service just over a year ago. I have a couple of guys that I have met and that I really like. One is super special and he was my “first”. He is the one that started the “dirty talk” w/me and let me tell you it makes me SO HOT. I told him so and that just made it even better. He talks to me the whole time and I LOVE IT! I am just beginning to try to return the favor and I am finding that it’s not hard when you really care about your man. I love your website and I am so glad I found it. Keep sending those tips. Thanks!